Ep. 11 | Single Mums, Body Count, Sexual Marketplace: My Vulnerable Story
EPISODE TRANSCRIPT
Listen carefully, because I'm only going to play this once.
Welcome to Controversial as Fuck.
Hey legends, welcome back to another week in Controversial as Fuck. Out of all of the episodes that I've done so far, this is actually the one that I'm the most nervous for. Which is kind of funny because I'm Simply talking about single moms, but it's because this one is really personal. This is a personal yeah, I'm, I'm a bit nervous.
I'm nervous because it's, it's still a bit of a, um, a raw thing for me to discuss, but I encourage you to stick around with this one. I'm hoping it doesn't go for too long, but as usual, I have a very different viewpoint on this topic. This one comes from personal experience, but also again, from a biological lens, as most of my episodes have been.
And I think it's a topic that is not discussed in this way enough. So I want to add my voice to this conversation. Again, I am nervous because I'm going to be burying my soul a little bit. I'm going to be admitting some fault of my own and yeah, let's just dive into it. So Obviously I'm discussing single moms.
There is a massive stigma with single moms and it makes sense. Now I'm a single mom. Let me just say that first. I'm a single mom. The stigma that comes with being a single mom makes sense from a biological standpoint. If you have not listened to my podcast episode that I did all about You know, hookup culture, casual sex.
Please go and listen to that one first. Everything, literally everything that I discuss in that episode does also link up to the conversation around single moms, because I talk about biology. I will briefly discuss it here, but nowhere near to the length that I did in that other episode. So listen to that one first, but.
Okay. Let's talk about being a single mom. So let's talk about it. Firstly, from the standpoint of divorce, my God, I'm actually nervous. I I'm not nervous to talk about, you know, gender pronouns. I wasn't nervous to talk about the transgender movement being pushed onto young people. I wasn't nervous to talk about the feminist movement and why I don't necessarily agree with it, but this one it's different when it comes from, yeah, this is like, I'm living this.
So I don't agree with divorce. Let me say that. I don't agree with divorce across the board as far as like, I don't think it should be encouraged, especially when there's children. Um, I, I think marriage is a beautiful thing. I have been married twice. So I definitely would like to dive into a little bit of my story to set the scene for this, but just because I have been divorced does not mean that I promote it.
I actually think avoid it like the plague. If you are married, especially, well, whether you're a male or female, if you're married and your relationship is not doing well, I encourage you, especially if there is children, do whatever you possibly can to make it work. Like I think often when people hear that I have been divorced and I'm going through another marriage breakup, people just assume that I'm all like pro divorce and I'm not like I'm really not.
I think marriage is one of the most beautiful things on the planet. I think that marriage is safety and it's. It's just beautiful. I have, I love being a wife. I think marriages is, yeah, I'm very big on traditional families. I'm very big on marriage. I'm very big on commitment between like in a relationship.
So let me just say that first. So I think I need to give a bit of my backstory to then give my, um, Quite controversial opinions on single moms. It's, it's going to be different to probably anything you've heard out there, but I would firstly give you a little, like a brief kind of history of myself for those that don't know.
So I was raised very religious before I was born. My dad was a bikey. I think I've mentioned that on another episode before, but my dad was a bikey. He was an outlaw bikey in Tasmania, in Australia. He was a big part of that scene. And, um, Long story short, my mom started taking my older brother and myself to a very new church.
It was a Pentecostal Christian church. And eventually my dad ended up joining too. He left the bikey scene and joined the church. And so I didn't know the bikey lifestyle because that was before I was born. I only knew the Christian lifestyle. So I was raised, uh, in a, in a Christian church, which. I love that I have that foundation.
I'm not, I don't consider myself a Christian now. I don't consider myself religious. I still actually believe in God. Like I still very much believe in higher power, consciousness or God, whatever you want to call it. I definitely believe that there's something greater than us out there. There's so much mystery to this world.
And I love Thinking and exploring and working out what or who that is for myself. But yeah, I was raised with very strong Christian values, which I love that traditional upbringing that I had. The thing is, and I won't get into all of it now, all of it now, I might do a whole nother episode on it, but the church that my parents joined actually ended up being a cult.
And what I mean by that is it was. It was nuts. It wasn't just a really nice, normal Christian church. It was fully nuts. It started in America and then it spread around the world. And the actual leader of the whole fellowship, as they called it, just to paint a picture, like once you join this, you don't leave, you never leave.
He actually had a, he had children, but adult children. One of them, she had married a guy and I believe that guy even became a pastor. He was a pastor. I'm pretty sure as well, because only men could be pastors in the church. But anyway, long story short, the whole leader of this entire fellowship, his daughter and her husband ended up leaving the fellowship to join a different Christian church.
And that was a big no, no, like you were not allowed to change churches if you leave the fellowship. It's as if you turn your back on God completely, right? So you don't leave. They taught us that this fellowship was like the greatest thing out there. And all other Christian churches were pretty much bad.
And so like we were the elite and we were here to save the whole world. It was just a lot of, Again, I'm not going to go into it all now. It will take a whole separate episode, but it was a very controlling, manipulative church. You could not leave. You are not allowed to leave the fellowship. You're only allowed to marry within the church.
It was just very controlling, very strict. And, but you didn't realize until you were quite in deep anyway, his, so the leader of this entire fellowship, his daughter and her husband ended up leaving the fellowship. She ended up years later getting cancer and actually dying and her own dad, I think it was both parents, but her own dad, I know that for a fact, didn't even go to the funeral because she had left the fellowship.
So this is how staunch they were. Like they were extremely staunch. You never leave. We are the elite. You like, yeah, a lot of conditioning, a lot of mind control, even from a young age. Yeah. And I was a part of this from when I was a very little girl until I was 25. I left it at around the age of 25. And joined a separate Christian church.
So I didn't want to leave God is the way that I saw it. I didn't want to leave God. I just couldn't be a part of this cult any longer. It was, it was nuts. It really was quite nuts. The foundations, like I'm grateful for the experience. And I want to make that clear. I'm actually really, really grateful for the experience.
I don't regret being a part of it. I love that I had those traditional values and traditional kind of upbringing. For instance, we weren't allowed to have TVs. We weren't allowed to go to the movies. We weren't allowed to do a lot of things actually. But in saying that I'm also grateful for that. I didn't, I wasn't raised with screens and TVs.
I was outdoors playing. I was such a, like us kids were just always outdoors and having fun. So like, I don't regret any of it, but I need to without going into all of it, because You had to marry within the church or within the fellowship, preferably within your own church. So like I was raised in a church in Tasmania, preferably I should have married within that church or at least within the fellowship.
So the exact same churches, but in different parts of Australia or the world. Also at the age of 13, I had signed a contract to say that I was going to remain a virgin until my wedding night. Now, again, that's a lot to put on a young person. But in saying that, I actually don't regret that I also followed through on that.
Like I love that, that I just had such an innocent, apart from the craziness of the cult, it was messed up and I'm probably making light of it. It was very messed up. But in saying that, I love that I was a kid and that I was a young teenager that wasn't I wasn't out there experimenting. I was just being a kid and I was just so naive.
And I love, I love that fact. Anyway, kind of long story short, we ended up moving as a family from Tasmania to Perth, Western Australia, because we believed in the fellowship so much, but the actual church that we were in, in Tasmania was nuts. And the leaders of that church were nuts. So. We decided to move, which was actually seen as not a very good thing to do within the fellowship, but we actually moved our entire family, including my grandmother, who was in her eighties.
We moved from Tasmania in Australia to Perth, Western Australia. So we could still be a part of the fellowship because we didn't want to go to a whole different Christian church. We just wanted to get out of that whole Tassie environment. It was nuts in that church. So, Once I was part of that church in Perth, that Perth church, so we went from a church of around, say, 50 people to around 500 people.
So my pool of potential future husbands went from only a couple to having obviously a lot more. But not only that, the Perth church held conferences every single year for all of the fellowship around Australia, all the different churches around Australia that were part of this fellowship. to come for like a week and you would have sermon after sermon after sermon, listen to different American preachers, for instance.
And it was also just a way for everyone to mingle. So a lot of people met like the young people would meet their future husband or wife at the conference. It was, you could kind of mingle. And in the fellowship, they also taught you that Basically, if you're a woman and you're a man, what's stopping you from getting married?
That's how they saw it. Like marriage was the goal, which again, I don't regret that, but there was, we were never taught, and this is honest to God truth. We were never taught about being compatible with our future partner. There was nothing about, you know, like making sure that there's compatibility. It was just, you're a man, you're a woman, you both believe in God, you're both a part of this fellowship.
So get married. So. I never viewed my future partner as necessarily a compatibility partner, like someone that would make sense to, it was more just like, they obviously believe in God, like, and you have to be physically attracted to them. That was pretty much it, which I wish that was different. I would say that I wish that was different.
I think that my experience would be different, but again, I don't regret, and I want to make that clear. I don't regret any of my life experiences, even the mistakes that I've made. I actually don't regret them because they've shaped me into the woman that I am. And I hope that you can take that for yourself as well, that we've, every single one of us have done things in our past that we're not proud of, or maybe we wish things could have gone slightly different, or, you know, maybe if we could do a do over, we, sure, we don't regret things, but maybe we would change certain things.
I'm bearing my heart and my soul in this episode, and it's probably going to make me emotional, but I'm doing that so that you can see the humanity in me and see that anything that I say on my podcast, even if I sound harsh or I have very firm views on things, it comes from lived experience, but it also comes from a place of love.
I think that this is a side tangent. I think that genuine loving of somebody is being honest with them. And In this podcast, I promise you, I'll always be honest, even if that is exposing myself to potential criticism and potential hate, I will still do that because I want to be honest with you. So my God, where was I?
The fellowship. So yeah, church conferences. So we were in Perth, Western Australia. I had never had a boyfriend, so at this point I was 20. I'd never had a boyfriend, like, you, by the way, you were never allowed to date, so you didn't really date, because you got to know each other, like, we were, as a part of the cult, we were together.
Very busy with the church. We went to normal, regular schools and high schools, right? But outside of that, our entire social network was within the church. So we would go to church services at least three times a week. We would do an hour of prayer every morning. We would go to the church building an hour before school, five days a week.
We would do Bible studies on Friday nights. I think that was once a fortnight. I don't think that was weekly from memory. It feels like a lifetime ago. We would do street outreaching. So street preaching. And yes, as a teenager, I would street preach with a megaphone in the, in the local mall, the local. Um, we would have concerts on Saturday night.
So like our schedule was jam packed. Like we were so, so busy. So your way of dating wasn't going out on dates. You were never allowed to go and date somebody. You just got to know them within the church, which is kind of cool. Um, if you were to ever meet up outside of church, you always had to have a chaperone.
You wouldn't, a male and a female were never allowed to be alone together unless they were married. Like that was just a big, big no, no. Because. You know, we were taught to not trust ourselves. And that I, I think is not necessarily great. Like if you're continually taught that you can't trust yourself, like that breaks down a massive part of your identity.
And I think that's dangerous. Definitely think that's dangerous, but anyway, I was 20 had never been on a date. There was literally nobody. that within the church in Tasmania that I could see myself really being married to. And I was kind of like, what the crap, like, who am I going to end up with? If these are just like my brothers to me, like they're cool guys, but they're just like my brothers, I don't want to marry them.
I was like, damn, I'm screwed. Um, but then we moved to Perth and I was kind of thinking maybe there's someone here. Long story short, the following year, so when I turned 21 at the following year's church conference in Perth, there was a guy from the Sydney church. So he was part of the fellowship, but from the Sydney church, he came to Perth and we met and on the last night of the conference, he asked for my phone number and I thought he was just a player.
Like he just didn't seem like the other church guys I found out it was because he'd only been a part of the fellowship for about six months. So he was kind of like. Fresh meat, as you will. He wasn't raised in the fellowship. He had a bit of an edge to him. It was a little bit different. And I took that as this guy's a player and.
I gave him my number, but I messaged, you know, he messaged me the following couple of days and I instantly messaged back, listen, this is not going to go anywhere. Like I was so blunt with him. I said, this is not going to go anywhere. I'm never having a long distance relationship. This is not going to go anywhere.
And he calmed me down. He's like, just calm your farm. I'm not saying we're about to get married, but just getting to know each other. Like there's no harm here. Long story short, we ended up having a year long, long distance relationship. Essentially, we went from text messages to calling each other to calling every single day to calling for hours each day of a nighttime to falling madly in love with each other.
So I was 21 years of age. I was a virgin. I'd never even kissed a guy. I'd literally like nothing, never even held hands with a guy. I never had a boyfriend. And I was having a long distance relationship with a guy who'd been a part of the fellowship for six months. A year later, he proposed to me. So we'd never been alone except for, so what happened was I went and visited him in Sydney, but with my mom, we always had someone with us.
We went for dinner once or twice from memory and we were alone at dinner and then back to, to, you know, being in my hotel room with mom and he was back, uh, where he lived. So we, you know, we never kissed nothing. Like I was so staunch. I was not kissing. I was not having sex until my wedding day. Thank you.
So, and then he came to Perth to visit me and he bought a friend from the church. It was actually the preacher's son came with him. So again, we always had a chaperone. So our entire relationship, we got to know each other via the phone. And then he proposed to me a year after we had met at the following church conference.
And we got married four months later. So just to paint a scene, never been kissed, never had a boyfriend, never had sex. And. Got married to a guy that had a long distance relationship that I didn't really know that well and Listen, I'm not gonna say anything bad about him. I really believe in that I don't want to you know, even though he probably will never hear this I just I'm not into speaking badly about someone publicly when he can't be here to defend himself Most of the relationship was beautiful.
We I ended up leaving. So when you get married within the cult, you as a woman moved to whatever church the man is from. So I moved, so I literally got married in a couple of days later, moved to Sydney where he was from and lived in Sydney to be his wife. And. I was still a part of the cult, but in the Sydney church, if that makes sense.
So I ended up leaving a couple of years into our relationship, not leaving our relationship. I left the cult and started going to a different Christian church, which was just like the biggest no no in the fellowship. I was seen as such a terrible woman. It was very taboo. It was very like, I am. non submissive type, type of thing, which would have been really embarrassing for my husband at the time.
And it just was not, not good. He was actually told by one of the men in the church, by one of the leaders in the church that I, that he needed to physically grab me by the hair and drag me back to church. And he was not joking. He was like, you need to, I mean, he didn't mean physically grab my hair, but he meant you need to get her back into this church where she belongs thing.
It was not great. So it was, it was a bit of a, Not great situation to cut that long story short. We ended up moving back to Perth. I was extremely homesick. I, you know, we'd lived away from my family for like three and a bit, four years at that point, I think it was. And, you know, he also liked the idea of coming to Perth.
So we moved to Perth. That was also really bad because now we're living in the state that I was from. And. Yeah. Our relationship just did not do well after that point, after me leaving the fellowship things, just, there was a lot of cracks. There's a lot more to it that maybe one day I will speak about publicly, but not right at this point.
There was a lot more to it. And I left my marriage. So I'm the one that left now, typically, especially if you've listened to my episode about casual sex and stuff from a biological standpoint. Right. Actually, not even from a biological standpoint, but just a lot of people that do have that standpoint of like, you know, marriages forever, which I, I also have, if you look at statistics, most women are the ones that leave marriages.
Most women are the ones that leave. start the process of getting a divorce. It's something like 70 to 90 percent or some, I can't remember the exact amount, but it's, it's significantly higher for women. And women obviously get a bad rap for that because it's seen as women are the ones that are breaking up families.
Women are the ones that are ending marriages. And yes, I don't think that that's a great thing. I think that And I put a bit of blame on the feminist movement for this. I think that because of the whole free sexual liberation movement of the sixties and seventies, because then also with the industrial revolution of women are now working as well.
And kids are being raised by the state essentially in state schools. There's that whole, you know, everyone can just hook up with whoever we want. What is actually happening is as a society. We have obviously reduced our ability to pair bond. So, so much casual sex is going on out there that you just constantly with different people.
And then when you go to get married, What's happening is women are often comparing their husband to their previous partners. And you know, maybe they've been with a guy who was incredible in bed and now their husband isn't. And they're, they're kind of, you know, thinking, well, the grass is green on the other side.
This is common. Okay. This is very, very common. Also, there's, you know, with, with a feminist movement, you could get a divorce, whereas before you couldn't. So there was a higher chance that as a woman, you would take the role of who you're going to marry very seriously and make sure that there was someone that you were actually compatible with someone that you actually loved.
All of those things. Whereas now it's, it's like, you know, risk free divorce. So I don't agree with divorce most of the time. I actually don't. And I know this sounds ironic because I am going through my second divorce, but please hear me when I say this. I think that a lot of it is just because people think the grass is greener on the other side.
And what is often happening is women that have really high body counts. And Transcripts provided by Transcription Outsourcing, LLC. But I want to give a different side to that because yes, that is common and that is what you hear a lot But let me give a different side. I was a woman who had never had sex with another man.
He was my everything He was my first sexual encounter my first kiss on our wedding day Literally our first kiss like everything. I did not leave that marriage because I wanted to go and have sex with another man In fact, it took me a while to have Sex again, like that is not why I left. I did not leave because there was infidelity.
I did not leave because I was just comparing him to someone else. I talked myself into staying. So there is also, I want to point that out. There are always other sides to stories. Not everything is just black and white and how it's seen. But also one other point that I do want to make that does grind my gears a bit is yes, women do initiate more divorces.
But that doesn't mean that they're the ones that are actually breaking up the marriage. Let just stick with me with this line of thought. Two people get married. They both need to be committed to their own growth. They both need to be committed to their own health. They both need to be committed to their sexual connection and you know, the spice in the bedroom, all different things, right?
So let's just say, and men, I'm not against you, I'm just using this as an example because I have been through this myself, let's just say that the woman takes such care of her health, of her physical appearance, of, you know, her physique, and she looks after herself, and let's say she loves sex, and she enjoys sex, and um, It loves to have sex with her partner.
It doesn't deprive him of that. And is, you know, she adores him and praises him and all those things. But let's say the man doesn't give a shit about his health anymore. It's just let himself go. Let's say he doesn't work on himself on his own self, like personal development. He doesn't show intimacy, doesn't show affection.
Literally. It's just like, she's just a piece of furniture. If that woman, after trying and trying and trying and trying, decides to leave that marriage because she can't do it anymore, has she technically broken up that marriage? You may say yes, I actually say no. Yes, I get that she's the one initiating the divorce.
So on paper, she's the one that's ending that relationship. I get that. But hasn't he ended that relationship by not taking accountability and by not taking responsibility? The same can work in reverse, by the way. This is not exclusive to men or exclusive to women. This is. I just want to paint a picture that not every single relationship ending is because the woman wants to just go and have sex with everyone or because she just doesn't give a shit about marriage.
I, from my own experience, I talked myself into staying. I did not want to leave. It was the most, still to this day, one of the hardest things I've ever been through and not something that I just wish on other individuals. So let me make that clear. So paint a picture. I left. I then. And yeah, I'm going to tell you my body count because it actually makes sense to the story.
What the crap? Why am I doing this? But after that I became a police officer. I went through a phase of wanting to feel strong, not feeling strong prior in the cold, left my marriage. I was like, what the crap? Like, I'm just, how did I get here? Just, So sad. I grieved for a full year and a half after that relationship.
I struggled really hard with that. It was just, yeah, my first love, we'd been together for five and a half, six years. It was not easy. So anyway, I became a police officer. In that time, there were two male police officers at s at separate times. One I went through the police academy with and one I was at a station with, but.
So the first one, I had been single for six months, no sex, no nothing. I was like, absolutely not. And then I became friends with one of the police officers at the police academy, one of the guys at the police academy. We literally just became friends, but I felt very safe with him. I guess he was in a way helping me.
With the grieving process of the fact that, you know, my relationship, my first and only relationship had ended. And, you know, he was a gentleman. There was nothing, nothing untoward about him whatsoever. So six months and yes, it was a full six months into that. We had a very short relationship the man That I was with and it was short started talking about marriage now.
It wasn't like he was about to propose to me I'm not suggesting that but he obviously was thinking very very long term and when I could hear him talk about marriage with me It freaked me out because I was like, Oh my gosh, it's made me realize I, I'm not wanting that. And therefore I shouldn't be doing this.
I shouldn't be in this relationship because I'm, it's, it made me realize I don't want a long term commitment with this man. I don't want to, you know, I wasn't wanting to have flings or anything, but I don't want to be with this man long term. Therefore I ended it. And I did that very quickly. I was like, Nope.
So it was a few months in. I was like, Ooh, no, no, no, no. This happened again. One more time. So. I talked myself this time. The first time I didn't talk myself into it, but the second time I did, I was lonely. I was feeling like, Oh my God. Like, yeah, just still grieving. As I'd said before, it took me a full year and a half to really start to get over the fact that my marriage had ended.
I had so much shame attached to us so much. A bit of self loathing, actually, that it had come to that. Here I was, this girl that had wanted to be with one man my entire life. That makes me emotional. I'd only wanted to be with one man. Like, that was my life goal. I wanted to be someone's wife. I didn't want to, you know, be with anybody else but one man.
And that was a hard pill to take, even though I take full responsibility for the fact that I chose that. I chose to walk away. I didn't have to. And I acknowledge that and I'm taking responsibility for that. But let me just say, then, then, So again, months down the track, I was at a police station and I'd actually been involved in a car chase as a cop.
Uh, this is after graduation and everything. I was actually a cop. I'd been involved in a car chase and it ended up with, you know, us having to jump out of the car and run through the bush to try to catch somebody. And so one of the local stations had come to help. And so I met a guy there who was a cop from one of the other stations and we kind of just formed a And we kept bumping into each other at different jobs.
None of it was like, So I'm not going to be searching for anything, but it kind of started to develop into more. And then I was posted at his station. So still, we'd never had any sexual intimacy or anything like that. I didn't have sex with him, but I was posted to his station. Once I left what was called the traffic enforcement group in Perth.
So I was posted to his station and then obviously things started to turn into more where there was a bit of interest, but I honestly talked myself into that relationship. I wasn't actually that physically attracted to him. God, I hope he never hears this because I would feel terrible. I would never want to hurt somebody, but I wasn't that physically attracted to him.
It was just honestly, and this sounds horrible to say, but it was more of a comfort. It just. Feeling like I had another human. I think that's what it was. And yeah, so that was my third sexual partner. And then same thing. I was like, Oh my God, like he's talking very long term only a few months in. And I realized I'm not thinking that way.
And I ended it straight away. I was like, no. So I have never had in my entire life. A one night stand still to this day. I've never, ever, ever had a one night stand. And so I had been with those three men, one for six years and two very short, short term relationships with men that I'd gotten to know first.
Like I'm big on that. I have to really know somebody before I let them have. Access to my body. So then after that it had been a full year and a half since I had separated from my first husband. And then I met what was to become my next husband. God, I sound like, what is it, Elizabeth Taylor, who's just racking up husbands.
That not, that's not what this is. I still hold a little bit of, Some stuff I've got to work through around self like shame with this But so at this point I had not done honestly any real work on myself I've not done any work on any form of like counseling or therapy Not that I think you know, you have to but I hadn't done any self development courses.
I had nothing I didn't know myself anymore. I felt stronger like I was a police officer. I felt stronger within myself to a degree But I hadn't really healed. I didn't really know who I was. I didn't even contemplate really what I wanted in a partner. Like, again, that wasn't something that was really discussed growing up, like within the cult, it was just, you know, you're a man, you're a woman get married.
So to me, like, If you're in a relationship with someone, it's with the goal of getting married. So obviously when I had those two shorter term relationships, it was like, Oh, I don't want to marry these men. And I'm not even a hundred percent sure why, but I just don't. So therefore I ended it. Right. But then I was dead.
I was in a police station of all males at this point. And they were literally all like my brothers. I didn't, I zero relationships. All happened at that station. It was me and like 24 guys that were all my brothers, literally like big brothers. And one of them had met his girlfriend on Tinder. Now I had never been on a dating app.
I was completely opposed to them. I mopped them. I was like, that is a hookup site. I don't want a one night stand, I'm not going on it. But he said to me, no, like I've met. The most amazing girl on it. You should seriously go on Tinder. And he dared me. We were literally on shift together and he dared me. He said, I dare you to go on it for one week and then just delete it.
What's, what's the worst that can happen? Famous last words. No. So I did, I got the app and I was on it for five days. And I, I remember swiping on 10 people. I was like, I'm not going to do this crazy thing where people just swipe on and all these different people. I literally, I selected 10 and I was like, we'll see what happens.
I got some messages and I was like, Oh my God, is this what this is like? Like just instantly you could tell what they were after. And I was like, I am not interested in just having sex with you, you dweeb. So I was like, yeah, I'm so deleting this at the end of the week. That, so it was a Monday that I downloaded the app.
And we were now at, I think it was a Friday night or a Saturday morning. And I connected with somebody on the app who spoke to me like a gentleman. And I was like, okay, he's different. Long story short, he ended up becoming my husband. So I ended up deleting the app and we just started chatting to each other and then decided let's get off the app and let's message.
So we did. So here I was, I'd been on Tinder for like five or six days, met a man. We deleted the app, started messaging, started talking. And then I think it was a week or two after we had matched, he took me on a date and we literally were inseparable from then. And I was with him for 10 years. I'm saying this because, and again, I will never, ever, you will never hear me say a bad word about.
him ever. Like I really mean that. And it's, this will make more sense as I get more into this episode, but I'm very big on like, just, it says more about you as a human, when you talk smack about your ex partners than it actually does about them. And I'm very big on that. But one thing that I will say, because we've both admitted to this, is We had some pretty major compatibility issues that became glaringly obvious, but I would say that we kind of trauma bonded in the beginning.
Not that we came from lots of trauma, I don't mean that. I just mean we bonded over the fact that we had had kind of rough endings to previous relationships, and that is a shitty thing to bond over at the beginning of a relationship. I also was highly insecure, like really highly insecure. I didn't know myself.
I didn't know what I wanted. So we bonded over things that maybe weren't really good things to bond over. But the problem was I kept almost gaslighting myself. Every time I questioned this relationship, I told myself, you are just nervous because of your last relationship. You're just nervous because the other one didn't.
End well, or because it didn't go how you planned. And I kept gaslighting myself. And instead of being honest about the fact that we actually didn't suit in a lot of ways, our worldviews were very different. You know, our values were vastly different and not in a compatible way. Like they were vastly different.
Yes. We loved each other. Like we still have love for each other. We still care for each other. We're not in love with each other, but I want to make that clear. We absolutely loved each other, but. We, I would say, stayed together, one, because of, what is that thing that sunk, is it sunk cost fallacy, sunk time fallacy, that thing where sometimes you stay in something purely because of how much time you've dedicated to it that you almost feel like if you don't continue you're, you're wasted.
The, the time instead of being like, no, actually, like this is meant to end, but anyway, it, yeah, I, I won't get into it all again because he's not here sitting next to me to be able to say his side of the story, but. We technically did not suit for the majority of our relationship, but we both had had previous marriages.
We both did not want to have another broken marriage and we stayed together purely, I guess, out of, for the wrong reasons. And yeah, anyway, fast forward 10 years. And I've said this, we've discussed this privately, but for about eight out of those 10 years, I would say I talked myself into, into staying. It was not, it was just, yeah, out of that relationship, we also had a child.
So that is another reason why. I stayed way longer was because of that. I, I think that when there's a child involved, you absolutely should do whatever is possible to keep that relationship together. I know, again, this is probably going to sound ridiculous because I have left. a relationship. And so I am, I guess, going against my own advice, but again, where possible, I do think make it work with the other parent of that child.
I really do. And if both parties can come together, again, I'm not going to go into everything, but I think it's important for me to paint that picture. I've been married twice. I've I've been divorced and will be going through a second divorce. I'm not proud of that at all. I still hold shame. I do. I still hold a level of shame around that fact.
I have not fully reconciled that fact. It's not an, a regret thing. It's more of like, holy shit, Holly, like who's the common denominator here? Me. And I'm big on taking radical responsibility in life. And this is why I want to talk about single mums because
We have to be able to take responsibility for where we've gone wrong in life as well. And no, this whole episode is not about that. And that's why I also wanted to make that point about just because a woman leaves a relationship, whether that's a marriage or not, it doesn't mean that she's necessarily the one that broke it up.
Yes. It's on paper. She has, but there, there has to be some form of responsibility on both sides of the parties. But I really want to talk about single moms with all that in mind, because I think it's important to look at things from a biological standpoint. And this is again, one of those episodes where we have to take our feelings out for a little bit.
I had to, when I addressed this and looked at this biologically, men typically don't want to be with a single mother. This is a fact. Typically, they don't want to raise another man's child. This may be hard to hear if this is the first time you're ever hearing this. Yeah, culturally, you may have heard it, but like it actually comes from a biological standpoint.
And this is why I suggested listening to my hookup episode first. Because if you think about it, Men want to know that the children that they're raising are theirs. It's in their best interest to ensure paternity of those children. Hence why it makes sense for women to not sleep around and to almost prove that she has self control and that, you know, she doesn't just, she doesn't just end up in the bed with any man that looks her way and that she's faithful.
So that when she's with a man, he can ensure paternity because there's no real way, obviously there's DNA tests, but outside of that, there's no real way to like a woman. We know if a baby is ours, because they've literally been inside our belly. It's different for a man. He could have sex with you, but you could have had sex with another man around the same time.
And who knows whose child that is, right? Men typically don't want to raise other women's, other men's children. That's not to say they won't. I'm going to get into it, but biologically it makes sense. Sense for a man to ensure paternity. He doesn't want to be providing for another man's offspring.
Typically, gen like this is a biological fact. This is why I'm doing this episode for single moms, and I am one of them because. Just in the same way that in that other episode about casual sex, where I said if you have a really high body count, if you've slept with lots of men in your past, on a, on the sexual marketplace, if we're looking purely at sex and like relationships and, you know, future marriages and all that.
With a high body count, you reduce your value. Now I'm not, again, I want to make it clear. I'm not saying you don't hold value and worth as a woman. I'm not saying your value as a woman decreases. I'm saying your value on the sexual Marketplace absolutely decreases if you have a very high body count, right?
The thing is, on the sexual marketplace, our value is also decreased if we are a single mum. Let me make that clear, this, we have to take our feelings out of this. It's a hard thing to face, but as a single mum, your value on the sexual marketplace is also reduced. That does not mean that our children are, what's the word, like a weight.
Absolutely not. Our children, like my God, my daughter is one of the most incredible. She is to me the most incredible human out there. And she's such a blessing in my life. I do not regret being her mom. I wouldn't change it for the world. So I'm not suggesting that at all. It's also from a man's standpoint, he's not saying your child is not an awesome child.
He's not saying that Your child isn't a legend or, you know, that he thinks your kid's cool. He's, take all of that out of it. Take all the feelings out of it. Take all of our projections out of it. Ladies, please. From a biological standpoint, it is, it comes down to biology. It comes down to ensuring that he is only providing for his own offspring, right?
Cause no man from biological standpoint wants to be raising another man's child, right? He's doing their work for them and it's not even his offspring. That child does not hold his genetic makeup. That child does not hold his DNA. There's no bonus for him in that. Now I'm going to bring a different point of view in a second, but they typically don't want to be raising another man's child.
So on the sexual marketplace, as I said, our value on that marketplace is decreased. If we are a single mom for multiple reasons, one, not just because of the fact that we have a child, but it's also for the fact that most. Women that are single mums are put in the camp of, we gave up on a relationship because think about it again, statistically, most women end relationships.
Most women initiate divorce, like massively high percentages. So as a single mum on paper, it will basically be saying that you broke up a relationship, even if that's not the case, or even if there is other parts to it, like I said before about how. You know, like a man could literally do nothing in their relationship, never have sex with you, never take care of his health, never take responsibility.
But because you left, you're seen as the one that broke up the relationship, which isn't fair, but on paper, that's how it looks, right? So same on the sexual marketplace. If you are a single mom, you are likely put into the camp of you broke up a relationship. So it also, Brings into question your level of faithfulness your level of commitment, right?
So many moving parts to this. This is why I'm doing this episode. So many people don't think of this I think of this as soon as I became a single mom. I was like, oh, holy shit There's more to this than what I ever considered. So what does that mean? Right in the same way that a woman who's had who has a high body count Right on the sexual marketplace for her to be Overwhelmingly different or to be completely unforgettable to high value men.
She has to be Exceptional in all other areas of her life This is a fact for her to stand out in a sexual marketplace when her value is already reduced On the sexual marketplace, because of her high body count, she has to be exceptional in all other areas of her life. Well, guess what? It's the same for us single moms.
As a single mom. It is a fact that our level of value on the sexual marketplace is naturally reduced as a single mom for multiple reasons. If we are to be unforgettable, if you are wanting in your future, if you're a single mom and you are wanting a beautiful relationship with a man that you have so much like compatibility with and shared values and shared worldviews, and you just like, just get each other and just want to have a beautiful life together, please hear me out.
You must, it is imperative that you are experiencing Exceptional in all areas of your life. This may be a, this may be hard to hear. This may be like, well, that freaking sucks. Yeah. Okay. But it is a fact. How do we do that? One, we clean up house and no, I'm not talking about become a cleaner. Let's just assume that you're really great at cleaning your house.
I'm not talking about that. I mean, clean up house as in clean up the baggage, clean up the mess where possible. I'm going to assume. Let's assume that there's been no physical abuse. There's been no abuse in the relationship, right? That you're not having to deal with, let's say, and this word gets thrown around around a lot, but let's just assume that That you don't have some crazy narcissistic ex partner, right?
Let's just assume two people have parted ways, right? You're a single mom. Do what, or even if you do come from a lot of baggage, I don't, but let's say you do. Do whatever is possible on your side to clean up whatever mess. And yes, this takes a level of radical self responsibility because I can guarantee all of the blame is not on you.
I can guarantee you're not solely at fault. But you need to start acting as though you are going to take radical responsibility for everything that you possibly can and clean it up. I don't mean get back with your ex. Don't, don't take it that way at all. I mean, take responsibility for what you can. I've done this myself.
Take radical responsibility. Leave bitterness and any form of resentment at the door, like that, no more, you're not taking that into tomorrow. And by the way, I'm not assuming that you do have bitterness just because you're a single mom. I'm just saying, if there is a level of resentment, you have to work through that because trust me, that will bleed into your next relationship.
A man is going to be able to sniff that shit out straight away. If you go on dates and all you do is talk about your ex and where he went wrong, where the father of your children is going wrong. Like you are not going to end up with a really good man. I can guarantee you that men will sniff that shit out from a mile away.
You will come across as the most bitter and resentful woman ever, and no self respecting man is going to want to come near you for anything serious at all. We have to take radical responsibility. Some single moms are so bitter and they only see where their ex went wrong. They don't take responsibility for what it was about them that attracted them in the first place.
I'll give you an example. And this is something I've said before in the past. And you hear a lot of women say, I didn't feel seen in the relationship, or, you know, he literally like, or maybe it was, well, let's go with that one. I didn't feel seen. Okay. That may be a fact. You, you never felt seen or there was a period of time where you didn't feel seen.
Where though, were you not seeing yourself? We attract based on who we are, not who we wish we were based on who we are. We have to take responsibility that the things we felt we weren't getting or the things that we felt, you know, weren't fair. Okay. Yep. Some things just aren't fair. Some things don't have an explanation to them.
But if, for instance, you say, I didn't feel seen, well, where were you not seeing yourself? You could say, I never felt loved. Well, where were you not loving yourself? You could say, I wasn't, I wasn't seen as important. Where were you not seeing yourself as important? This is hard work to do, but it's important work.
We attract based on who we are. We have a level of responsibility for who we have attracted in our lives. Even like, and again, I will not say anything bad about my ex partners, right? I will not. Like my ex husband, the father of my daughter, I will never, you will never hear me say anything bad. In fact, I made a pact with my family and I told them that they have to pull me up if I was to go down a place where I was saying anything bad and they have not had to pull me up once.
I refuse to speak badly about him because you think of it this way. One, I have too much self respect for that and I know that that says more about me than it would about him. But two, that is the father of my daughter. My daughter is half me and half him. Your children are half you and half their father.
If you speak badly about their dad, whether they're present or not, you are disrespecting your child or your children. My daughter represents her dad. If I speak badly about her dad, I am also speaking badly about her and my God, I will never be doing that. We have to take responsibility. Yes, shitty things happen.
Yes, we can feel like things weren't fair. Yes. And some things, as I said, can't be explained, but where can we take responsibility for our part in it? We have to, I'm telling you, we have to be exceptional in every area of our lives. Another thing is using kids as pawns. This, this riles me up. Their dad needs to be in their life.
Now, obviously if there's abuse, if there's physical abuse, if there's like, no, okay, there are instances where it is unsafe. I get that. But, um, let's put all that aside. Normal everyday relationships, right? Their dad needs to be in their life. You cannot use your kids as bargaining chips or weapons to try to hurt your ex partner.
You end up doing more damage to your children and your relationship with your children than you do to your ex partner. Like that grinds me big time. Children are not pawns to revenge. They're not to be used as bargaining chips because someone cannot or two people cannot take responsibility for their shitting life.
You do more harm to your children. By the way, I'm not speaking to you. The legends that listen to my podcast, I doubt that you do this. I'm talking like when I say you, just to make it clear, I realize how harsh that sounded. I'm not talking to you. I'm saying like you hear it a lot and you see a lot and it makes me sick and I'm sure it makes you sick too.
People should not be using their kids as pawns. Financial exploitation. This is a big one. The system is set up to screw typically men over when it comes to divorce. Not always. I do know a chick who went through a separation with her ex partner and he had a business but he had set it up somehow where, I can't remember the story, where he was able to pretend that he hadn't earned what he had.
So that she didn't get whatever it was. And he was actually a millionaire, but somehow I can't remember what it was, but yeah, she ended up actually like losing out massively on a property. Like it was terrible. She actually, she was screwed over big time. But nine times out of 10, the men are screwed over.
That is a fact, right? Some screw, some women screw over their exes financially as a way of revenge. Yes. I think when you are leaving a relationship, things need to be fair, right? One of the issues that I have, and this is probably very controversial, but when it comes to things like superannuation, think of this.
Legally, a woman has a right to take, like, I'll give you an example. Let's say a man, actually I'll use myself and my ex partner as an example. He is seven years older than me. He's been working in corporate, in a corporate job for years, before I even met him, right? He's been with the same company for like 17 years or something, so a long, long time.
He's got a really good amount of super. I don't, I have not worked in, you know, some high level job or, you know, I was a police officer and then I was a makeup artist and then I was a stay at home mom. So I don't have as huge amount of super nowhere near his level of super. So he accrued that for years before we even got together, years.
And then most of our relationship, we didn't have a child, right? So I was still working and he was still working. It wasn't until I was a stay at home mom that I stopped accruing super. Yeah. But legally, legally, because I'm leaving that relationship, I can legally take 50 percent of his super because it is seen as an asset.
Morally, I think that is fucking disgusting, but I will stand by that. I think that is disgusting that I have access to take 50 percent of a man's super, right? That he accrued most of it before we even got together. And then while we were together, I was still working, but yeah, and yeah, sure, he can take 50 percent of mine and mine's nowhere near worth what he has morally.
I think that is so wrong. I think honestly, from a moral perspective. different if let's say a couple has been just as an example together for 20 years and I don't know, 15 of those years, she was a stay at home mom where she couldn't earn any super because she had no income whatsoever. She was, you know, obviously the man was, you know, providing.
Yeah. I think if that marriage breaks up, she should have absolutely, she should have access to that super for, let's say, you know, she was a mom, a stay at home mom for 15 years that they agreed upon. She should have access to those amount of years worth of, you know, whatever it ends up being for myself. I think morally.
I could, I've chosen not to, but morally I could take a percentage based on when I was a stay at home mom. Right. From when I, you know, gave birth until, you know, whatever we agreed upon it. But I still, I've just chosen not to, I think just because you can take something, is it morally right? I would question that ladies.
I like, I think that's a big thing to ponder just because you can, is it morally right? Of course, there's always going to be differences to this. There's going to be nuances to this, but just hear what I'm saying. If it was in reverse, like you imagine how you would feel. Another thing, another way to be exceptional is be physically fit and healthy and take care of our bodies.
If on the sexual marketplace. Our value is lowered because we're a single mom, right? You can't be just thinking that you can be fat and sassy and score some really awesome guy out there, right? You just, it's like, let's be realistic. We have to take care of our bodies. We have to take care of ourselves.
You have to be physically fit and healthy. I'm not saying you have to look a certain way, but health should be a priority. If you're wanting to score a really good guy. Health should be a priority anyway, but especially as a single mum. Another thing, and this again is controversial, don't sleep around. I really don't encourage as a single mum to be sleeping around, to be having one night stands.
I don't encourage it. You may disagree and I think everyone is entitled to disagree, but I think to be exceptional, you need to show you have high levels of self control and you can say no to any man out there. Like that, your future partner needs to know that you have the highest levels of self respect, self control, self responsibility, and self trust.
I think they are essential for you to be able to be unforgettable, to be overwhelmingly different to other people, to other women out there. Right. And I'm not talking about competing. I'm just saying, if you want to score a really high value, good man, and you, you're going to need to be unforgettable. And the way to do that, honestly, is by not sleeping around.
by having high morals. And I think you would also need to, this is something I'm saying to myself, is infuse modesty in every area of our life. Whatever that means for you, have a level of modesty, have a level of like self respect. I think that's really important. And honestly, dedicate your life to your child or to your children.
and equally being the best version of yourself. Continue being an incredible mom. Like the listeners of my podcast are radically self responsible. I know this because I communicate with you radically, self responsible, very self trusting, very like conscious, legendary. Human beings that are making a difference in the world.
They're the type that do like take care of their health. Some are single mums and some aren't. I know who I'm speaking to. You're highly intelligent human beings and you don't need to be schooled and told what to do. So please don't take it this way. I just want to give a different narrative to what is honestly commonly said out there, which is just like sleep around, get your rocks off.
You're allowed to be angry and bitter because, you know, your past partner did you wrong and you're allowed to, you know, speak badly about him and, you know, just go and have sex with whoever and you'll be able to get over. I think differently. I think be different. Be different. If you want a high value man, be a high value woman.
We have to be who we are wanting to attract. And no, I'm not suggesting that every single mom out there is desperate to get in a relationship. I made an example before in, I think it was the feminist episode where I said, on paper, let's compare women, right? You have one single mom who is like just sleeping around with everyone and anything.
She uses her children as a pawn to get back at her ex. She doesn't take responsibility. She's very bitter, very angry. You know, she has no self control right? Just picture that kind of mom, right? Just a bit a bit over rough. On paper, she's a single mum. Well also on paper, you could have a very conscious very You know modest, you know type of woman has high levels of self control, self responsibility and you know, she loves being a mom and take the utmost care of her children and would never use her children as As a pawn to get back at her ex, doesn't speak bad of her ex, you know, she's moved on with Grace.
On paper, it just says single mum for both of them. That's my point. We, as single mums, have to be exceptional. We have to stand out from the pack. We have to lead a very different life. Life. If we are wanting in the future to be with a man that is of high value, we have to be different. This is why I'm speaking a very different message.
And this is why I shared my example, like my own example in the beginning, because this comes from a place of lived experience. Yes, I'm single. Use me if you want as your, what's the word? Your guinea pig. See what unfolds for me in my life. You know, I see a lot of mums that kind of just give up and just think that They're done for.
And listen, I know that being a single mom can sometimes be lonely. You give everything to your child, to your children. And it's kind of like, you know, single moms can be a bit forgotten. I get that. But also. I don't know your circumstance, but often we've, we've, you know, we've made our bed. We have to lay in it.
Essentially. We've made decisions. We have to take responsibility for them, but we do have control. We have so much control over what happens from here based on who we are. Yes. We may have ruled out certain potential suitors in the future based off the fact that we're a single mom, but that's okay. It's okay.
Like, We're not out here trying to just be with anybody. We, you know, we, now that's another point. Actually, we need to know exactly what we want in a future partner. Exactly. I'm not talking about looks. I'm talking about qualities and values and worldviews and do not differ from that. That's what I mean about not sleeping around.
I'm not saying don't go on dates. I'm not suggesting that or have fun and enjoy your life and go on dates and meet people, mingle, whatever it is that you want to do. I'm just saying don't give direct access to your body to a man just because you've gone on a date with him. Have high levels of morals and self control and Only allow access to someone who you genuinely, you can see you having a long term relationship with, or you are now in a long term relationship with them.
They, you know, you're not crossing boundaries, you hold similar worldviews and values and you have strong compatibility. These are all things I never considered. It's crazy to me to think that I entered two marriages without even considering what I wanted in a future partner or who I was. That is crazy.
I'm not letting that happen again. Like even if I'm single for years, as I said, let me be your guinea pig. Even if I'm single for years, so be it. I am not going to deviate. from who I am and from what I want. And again, these are not like big high things on like looks and stuff. I'm not talking about that.
Like obviously I need to be physically attracted to the individual, but like morals and values and worldviews and beliefs are huge to me. I will not deviate from that. Like I really won't, even if that means I have to be single for years. So be it. So be it, be exceptional ladies like together and watch my life unfold and use me as your guinea pig.
Because I know some people may think, wow, that is so ridiculous. Everything you're saying is so old school. Well, let me be your guinea pig. That's all I will say. Let's see what unfolds for me in my life. And I wish single moms, nothing but love because it's not, it's not the easiest thing in the world.
Being a mom is not the easiest thing in the world. It's the most rewarding thing though. I love being a mom. I think it's incredible. Anyway, I've said enough. I've rambled on enough. I love you. As always, please join in the conversation. Come and, you know, let me know your thoughts and we'll chat soon. Bye.
Thanks for tuning into this controversial episode. If you found our discussion thought provoking, share it with your friends and spark some debates. And if you're a thought leader ready to disrupt the status quo and dive into bold unfiltered conversations, then I'd love to hear from you. Visit my website or email me at hello at hollywild.
com to join me on air. Let's make some goddamn noise together and ignite the controversy. Until next time, stay fierce and keep questioning everything. This is Hollie Wild signing off.
THE SHOW
