Ep. 62 | Alpha Kings & Linen Bros: Why Coaching for Men Is Missing the Mark
EPISODE TRANSCRIPT
62. Alpha kings & Bro Coaches
Hey legends. Welcome back to another episode today. We're going to be talking about alpha Kings and linen bros and where coaching for men is missing the mark before we dive in. My appearance needs to be addressed. I'm not normally this dark. I also have no makeup on right now. So let's just quickly address that.
I have an event in two days. So I'm cooking in fake tan right now so that it fades a little bit by the time the event is on this Friday. So there you have it. Let's just get into the episode. But yes, no, I'm not normally this dark. This episode is very much needed. There are two extremes that I'm noticing in the coaching world.
And for men in particular, and both are missing the mark.
This episode is one of two. So today we're going to be speaking purely to men, but women definitely keep listening. You're going to love this episode. You're going to get a lot out of it and you'll likely agree with a lot of what I say, but the next episode will actually be for women. So today's obviously directed at men and the issues that I'm seeing in the coaching industry in particular [00:01:00] for men, because there are two extremes.
There are two extremes and both are absolutely missing the mark as far as what I can see for menSo let's just be real for a second. How many times have you scrolled past those so called alpha coaches that you see online that are flexing their Lamborghinis, their watches, their private jets. They're yelling about dominance and the red pill likely. By the way, I have Absolutely nothing against having a luxurious life and enjoying your life or having a Lamborghini or a watch or a private jet.
That's not what this is about, but just stick with me for a second. Then on the other extreme or the other side of this spectrum, you get the flowy linen pant wearing cacao sipping. Soft bros who are all about preaching surrender and vulnerability. And I'm talking to men. So they're preaching this to men and they preach about divine feminine energy being in men.
Like that's the whole damn solution is surrender and vulnerability for men. And you know exactly who I'm talking about. There's influences out there who will post endless, just gym [00:02:00] selfies with captions like grind and conquer and dominate. As if lifting weights automatically equals leadership, or you see the self proclaimed spiritual leaders who sit in Bali and tell men that the key to life is to just feeling more, being more in your feelings and processing everything.
By the way, I'm not against you if you live in Bali, and if you're a men's coach who lives in Bali, that's, you would be missing the point if that is what you're getting from this. Here's the truth. Neither of those sides are really helping men. They're both actually missing the mark for men from what I can see. And I want to be really bloody clear in this episode. I'm not a masculine energy coach. I'm not here to teach men how to be men. I've said that before in multiple other episodes before.
That's not my lane. I'm not a man, but I do respect masculinity. And I will never tell a man to water his masculinity down or to overcorrect it into something that you're just not.
So this episode breaks down how these polarized [00:03:00] extremes are leaving men more confused, diluted, and disconnected. And I'm here to actually cut through that bullshit. And to show you why the middle ground where I coach from, is the only space that actually sharpens you without softening your edge or forcing you into a box, because I don't agree with either.
So buckle up legend and let's dive into it. So I want to talk to you about the problem with performative coaching. So we're going to start with one end of the extreme, So this is what I call the bro coach problem. This is where you have those bro coaches. So those men's coaches who are into their hyper masculine energy, but they teach suppression rather than refinement. They will likely be the ones that teach dominance, but without having any depth whatsoever. And I'm going to give examples in a second.
There's this over emphasis on the external power markers like wealth, like physical strength. By the way, these are important. I'm not putting these things down. These are very, very important. Having wealth in whatever capacity that means to you. Having physical strength, extremely important for men. But they [00:04:00] overemphasize those things while ignoring the internal stability and self leadership that is required as a man.
They will use quotes like be the lion, not the sheep, without context on what real leadership even looks like. These are the type that position leadership as though it's loud and it's forceful and it's dominant. But they ignore the power of restraint and of stillness and of grounded confidence. I used to work with men like this.
So I used to be a Western Australian police officer and I worked in my last police station with 24 men. I was the only female police officer in that entire town. And I would be on call. So for instance, if there was a woman that needed to be strip searched or a woman that needed to be patted down, obviously I'm the only female police officer in that town.
So I would be called. I was with men all the time. I was always on patrol with men, whether it was in the car, out on foot, I was with men all the time. I can tell you, I had so much trust in men who had that, [00:05:00] that stillness, that grounded confidence that came from within, they embodied their masculinity as opposed to the police officers that I worked with, the men who it was all performative.
They were the loud mouths. In fact, I would be frightened at times to work with them because they would attract absolute messes on jobs because they were the alpha bros and not as in, it was
But not from actually embodying it because they were that way, but it was all performative based. I, I have worked with men that are just like this. These are the no feelings allowed approach type of guys.
And I'm going to give context to this. So please stick with me. They have the messaging like feelings are for the weak real men. Don't talk about emotions. And yes, I do think that there is a time and a place for a man to have stoicism. I've said this a million times in this podcast. I also, this is probably very different and quite polarizing for a lot of people to hear.
I don't think that the best idea is for men to go and just unload all their feelings and their emotions to their woman. I don't. [00:06:00] Yes, there is a time and a place for being vulnerable, but I think that most of the times I'm just going to throw out a random number here, but 95 percent of the time what a man is trying to process.
Context should, for lack of a better word, be done amongst his mates. This is just my personal opinion. As a woman, if I was with a man who was constantly emotional, constantly highly swung with his emotions, constantly wanting to unload all of his emotions onto me or wanting continual advice about his emotions, I would lose respect for that man quite quickly.
Context, I'm not talking about holding no vulnerability whatsoever, but there is a difference between completely shitting on emotions 24 seven. So the camp of, you know, the alpha bros of like real men don't talk about emotions and the opposite of that, which is just completely talk about emotions 24, 70 a woman.
I don't agree with either ends of those extremes, but the alpha bro coaches are also the type who will shame men who experienced any form of [00:07:00] vulnerability and they call it beta energy. Beta energy. Now, again, if you are dumping on your woman all the time as a man, yeah, that probably is beta energy. I don't, as I said, I don't think it's wise for you to just dump all your emotions onto your woman all the time.
There is a time and a place. And I think that that is with your mates. That's with your bros, whatever you want to call them. But I also don't think that you should shame all vulnerability in men. These are the type of coaches who would teach suppression rather than refinement. Cause there's a difference if you're just shutting down and suppressing every single thing that you feel 24 seven, it is going to bubble up at some point.
You are going to feel like a pressure cooker that is going to explode at some point in life, whether that is in your intimate relationships, your friendship circles, your job, your career, your business, your family dynamics. At some point, that pressure cooker, that lid is going to blow off. So I don't agree with suppressing.
It's about refinement, whereas a lot of these bro coaches are all about pushing men to just push through without understanding what's actually slowing them down. What's actually at the root cause of this. They [00:08:00] also tend to have more manipulative power tactics, by the way, I'm going to get into what the soft boy approach is because that one fascinates me, but these alpha bros tend to have these more manipulative power tactics.
They will teach. Persuasion tactics that rely on control rather than actually having real influence as a man. These are the type that will encourage men to dominate conversations, to interrupt, to own the room rather than cultivating that genuine presence that commands respect without effort. This is like going back to my example where I was talking about being a police officer.
Some of the men I worked with, they just commanded respect. They didn't ask for it. They commanded it with their presence without even Uttering a word more often than not, just as soon as they'd walk into a room, that would command respect from those in the room on whatever job we were in without effort.
It was their presence. They were embodied in their masculinity. They weren't performing it. Whereas the, the ones that were like performing it, they'd have to be loud and they'd come off as obnoxious and rude and [00:09:00] no one wanted to be around them. These alpha bro coaches tend to position relationships as power dynamics that you have to win.
Rather than spaces to lead with strength and with that internal trust, it's like you've got to win. You've got to dominate her. You've got to win. I see a lot of that in the red pill movement you'll also hear the term a lot in these bro coaches of King energyThere's this overuse of the messaging of be a King, but often it lacks any real substance behind what it actually means. There also often are selling programs that are promising alpha mindset shifts, but they deliver this generic advice that doesn't even touch the root issue of what men are facing.
It's just generic. It's almost like ChatGPT just populates it for them and they write alpha mindset shifts on top as a label as if that's just going to sell it to these men.
There also tends to be a lot of shallow discussions about providing and protecting without actually addressing the emotional intelligence, the presence and the discipline. That real kingship actually requires. Now let's [00:10:00] talk about why all this extreme of it fails. Why all this side of it fails. Number one, it actually leaves men performing masculinity instead of just embodying it.
It's very, very performative based. I see a lot of this online of men performing their masculinity. It also tends to create an environment where men are extremely loud, but internally very, very hesitant. They actually, it comes from a place of lack, it comes from a place of lack of trust it also fuels ego, but without building a lot of depth underneath it,
I see a lot of this almost like pushing men into this hyper masculine mask that they're wearing or shield that they put up and you're sure it may look strong on the surface to the average man or the average woman, but they tend to collapse under any real pressure. Yeah.
Now, let's talk about the soft bro approach. This is probably my favorite to talk about, to be honest. This is where it's overcorrecting. So what we saw a lot of was [00:11:00] society saying masculinity is toxic, which I do not agree with. In case you're new to my channel, in case you're new to my podcast, I don't believe masculinity is toxic, is inherently toxic, or can be expressed in a toxic way.
I know this is unique to what you hear out there. I just don't. I think the moment that a man is expressing himself in a toxic way, it's not his masculinity that is the problem. It's unhealed aspects of himself. It's a lack of, you know, You know, ownership. It's a lack of taking responsibility. Maybe it's immaturity, whatever it might be.
It's not his masculinity that is to blame in my opinion. But what has happened is because of the feminist movement, which I'm not a feminist, but because of the feminist movement, it has basically trained women and men to believe that masculinity is toxic. So because of that, the pendulum then swung as a way of overcorrection.
To now be teaching men to feminize themselves and it's encouraging men to be a lot [00:12:00] softer and to tone down their masculinity, to water it down, to shame it, to hide it because apparently all men out there are just dangerous and I just, I don't agree with that rhetoric at all. But let's get into the soft boy approach.
So as I said, it's overcompensating. It's encouraging men to get way more in their feelings and to become softer, which I don't agree with. for instance, maybe it's posting photos in flowy linen pants. Yes, I'm talking about men with their Marla bead necklaces with captions like true strength is surrender.
There's this thing that I'm noticing of overly spiritual men rocking linen pants talking about divine energy Sipping cacao and they definitely love a good Marla bead necklace for that enlightened aesthetic You see a lot of this online. It makes me sick. I'm not gonna lie. It makes me sick This soft boy approach is teaching men to downplay strength in favor of emotional openness.
It's pushing a narrative like true strength [00:13:00] is in surrender without frameworks for any grounded action, because that's keyword there, action. These are the type of guys who will host workshops on healing the wounded masculine or on divine feminine integration for men, where the focus is on endless inner work, but no outcome based execution.
It's all on sitting with the discomfort, but never actually challenging the men to move through it. It's almost seen as a man is more embodied and more progressive and more of a healed man. If he can just sit with all of the discomfort of his emotions forever and basically never move through it, never take action through it and come out the other side.
You just sit in it. And call yourself a spiritual man, put on your linen pants, your Myla beads and drink your cacao and do your breath work 24 7 and all of a sudden you're an enlightened human being. It's honestly a bit of a joke. Why this approach is a problem. It discourages masculine leadership. So men are [00:14:00] taught to wait to receive and to be softer without being shown how to actually integrate.
That with decisive action.
This approach also tends to create a lot of confusion for men. There's not a lot of clarity. It's like vulnerability becomes the goal instead of just a tool that can be used. It also replaces a man's strength with being passive. Men start playing small. They are constantly questioning if their natural strength and decisiveness are too much.
You see a lot of this actually where men are constantly not trusting themselves anymore. There is a lack of self trust, especially in this softer man approach. Well, actually in both ends of the extreme, there's, there's a lack of self trust. There's a lack of trusting your ability to make decisions and to follow through.
the impact of this soft man, this soft boy approach in the coaching industry, though, is it impacts relationships. It lacks. It contributes to a lack of polarity in relationships between a man and a woman. Women feel the absence of that stable, decisive energy. And I've done a whole episode on polarity.
It's episode [00:15:00] 61. If you want to go and have a listen to that one after this. But men also become very over analytical. And I don't mean analytical in a healthy way. Like that's a great quality for a lot of men to hold. I'm talking about where they're constantly introspective. They're constantly looking within.
Instead of having that instinctual movement forward that propels them forward, they're just focusing on everything inside themselves. There tends to be a lot of vulnerability, but without any actual structure. So it just ends up being an emotional crisis or an emotional or emotional chaos, 24 seven.
This is why I look at it quite differently. I don't believe masculinity needs to be watered down. I think that is the worst advice that this soft man, soft boy approach tends to take
Vulnerability is a tool, it's not actually an entire identity. This is where if your vulnerability as a man is paired with purpose, that creates trust. if your vulnerability has no direction, then that's when confusion is bred. Refinement of your masculinity. Why I sit in the middle ground means discernment.
It means [00:16:00] knowing when to pause and when to push. Masculinity at its best is very still and calm and decisive and almost like empty inside. Not empty in a negative way. Please don't take that the wrong way. Empty as in, like it's the opposite of femininity. Femininity, we are chaotic inside. We can be chaotic.
Our emotions can be so up and down. Whereas masculinity is quite an empty, still, calm, decisive, grounded kind of energy. The strongest men are often grounded, not loud. And listen, if you're naturally a loud guy, I'm not saying you need to be quiet now, cause that's watering yourself down, but I'm saying in what I find in the red pill movement and in that bro coach, you know, the alpha bro coach, it's all about dominance and being loud and being the loudest in the room and interrupting everyone.
Whereas it just can come off as quite arrogant to me. That's not strength. There's nothing grounded in that. But also when you swing too far into the soft boy, soft man approach, you end up feminizing yourself as a man. So I want to talk about the damage of non dualistic thinking. It's the either or problem.
You're [00:17:00] either soft or you're strong. You're either feeling or you're leading. But I want to talk about how life is not always dualistic. You can hold both. Masculinity doesn't need to be loud to be felt. In fact, a man can be the quietest man in the room, but hold the most presence. You can have two men walking in a street, for instance.
The loud man can be so aggressive and dominating and trying to get attention and trying to pick a fight. And the guy he's trying to pick a fight with can be quiet, but can hold way more presence. And masculinity than the loud one who's trying to pick a fight. In fact, the one who's more in his masculinity can very easily just turn around and walk away rather than feeling like he needs to engage in a fight, different story, obviously, if he's trying to protect his woman, you know, different than of course engage.
But what I'm trying to get at is the man that is more grounded in himself and doesn't need to prove himself to anyone. That's the one who's got that embodied masculinity. [00:18:00] You can be deeply masculine and emotionally intelligent without watering yourself down. You don't have to become the soft boy, the soft bro, the soft man, and you also don't have to be the over the top red pill dominant man who needs to conquer every single conversation in a room.
You can have leadership without the need for dominance. You can have strength that doesn't rely on suppression because I want to make that clear. If you are suppressing everything constantly, that's not strength. That's avoidance., and no, that doesn't mean you need to offload all of your emotions to your woman.
Again, my thing is that I encourage you to go and speak to your mates, go and talk to men, let it out with them because men process things so differently than what a woman will process with you. So this is why I coach in the middle ground. in April. These aren't just coaching.
These are packages that also combine things like spinal energetics and root cause therapy. They are in high demand at the moment. I have people asking for them. I used to do root cause therapy. I put it on hold [00:19:00] and then I went and studied spinal energetics. I love to look at all different modalities and bring them together to create an epic experience for clients.
Now, the reason why I'm drawn to both spinal energetics and root cause therapy is spinal energetics requires people to not talk. So you literally don't have to talk about your past. You don't have to talk about your struggles. You don't have to talk about anything you're going through if you don't want to and it still works.
Whereas root cause therapy is more about getting to the root cause of things. It's about getting right to the root of what is still affecting you today. That is potentially from the past that you're not addressing, that has been suppressed that you might not even be consciously aware of what it is, but it's very precision based.
It's not, it's not about unpacking things for the next 20 years and talking about your past over and over. It's very micro precision. And this is why I combine this with coaching. I'm not here to tell men to cry more or to soften. I think that's the worst advice for men. I'm also not a raging bro coach who's screaming about alpha hierarchies and [00:20:00] to just dominate and conquer.
Right? I'm not a man. I think that's pretty clear. I'm a woman. I actually respect masculinity a lot and I will never tell a man to dilute it. Instead, I'm here to actually strip away the bullshit that's dulling your edge. Cause there can be things from your past or your present that is dulling your edge.
This can be where I talked about how you might feel like an absolute pressure cooker that's about to explode. Maybe those states of anxiousness, whether you would call it that or not, or Maybe your body feels like it's breaking down and you've done everything you likely the type that does the ice baths You've done breath work.
You are in the sauna regularly. You train you are on top of your diet You maybe meditate have tried or dabbled in plant medicines. You do everything you are on top of your game You are the type that will do whatever it takes to sort out whatever it is that you're struggling with My approach is the type that most that will come to me have tried everything and they're like what the crap what can you help?
me with And this is why my approach actually works. It's not mindset work [00:21:00] it's also not just healing. I'm not a healing guru. I don't call myself a healer. I believe we heal ourselves. This is actually a full system recalibration.
It is removing everything that is slowing you down in your life, whether that's in your body, whether that's in your mindset, it comes at all approaches. This is for men who don't just want motivation. They actually want precision. I'm not your hype girl. I'm not your cheerleader. That's not me. I'm all about precision.
So the reason why I wanted to bring this episode to you is because you likely will only see those two extremes online. The alpha bro coach, the one who's telling you to be a king with no substance or the soft boy, overly feminine approach, which just gets you to sit in your feelings all the time. And it's feminizing you.
And it actually weakens your masculinity over time. I want to ask yourself, are you performing masculinity or are you embodying it again? I'm not a masculinity coach. That's not what this is about,. But just think on these for a second. Are you [00:22:00] diluting yourself because you've been told that strength is toxic?
Are you following bro coaches who don't live what they preach? Because this is a call for balanced power. That's what this is about. I don't usually sit in the middle, right? If there's something controversial, I will likely have an opinion on it. And it will likely be quite a unique opinion. I see things very differently in the world, but this is one of those things where I do sit slap bang in the middle. I'm not your alpha bro coach, but I'm not your overly spiritual feminine, you know, divine goddess coach either.
And this conversation honestly matters because the coaching industry is just flooded with the extremes. as I said, men are stuck performing masculinity instead of just embodying it. Or you've got the leaders out there who are pushing narratives that leave you very confused, very disconnected, very burnt out. And here's the thing, I'm actually building something really different. So this episode isn't all about plugging what I'm creating, by the way. I really We're seeing when I was going deep into my marketing, cause obviously I'm creating everything behind the scene. It was [00:23:00] so glaringly obvious to me that there is a market here that is missing.
Now I want to make it clear. There are incredible men's coaches out there who do sit in the middle, who aren't in either of those extremes and they're awesome men. They're legends. They get my full support. So I'm not putting them down at all. There are awesome men's coaches out there, but you don't often see women that sit right in the middle too.
You don't you either see the real boss babe women who coach men or you see the women who are without realizing it They're feminizing men. And yeah, I don't agree with either of those approaches. So in April I will be launching with packages for men and for women, but obviously this episode is mainly for men and This is precision work.
This is different to anything that you've tried out there. There'll be more on that to come
But I just wanted to end this episode with, if you feel like you have also noticed those two polar opposite extremes, and you're just over it, you're over the coaching industry, I see you, I'm with you, it's clear as [00:24:00] effing day to me, and I can also understand why you've been turned off by the coaching industry or by many coaches out there.
So I would love to know your thoughts on this episode. I would love to get your takeaways from it. Let me know, message me. I love to interact with, with you, whether that's on YouTube, on Tik TOK, on Instagram, or just voice note me. And yeah, there'll be more coming soon on what I am launching. Have a great week legends.
Bye.
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