Ep. 50 | Safe Spaces: Are You Safe or Just Soft?
EPISODE TRANSCRIPT
Is this our first episode of 2025. Yes, indeed. It is. And we're going to stop with the bloody bang. Let me tell you. I want to talk about safe spaces. I feel like safe spaces is an absolute buzzword. For instance, it could be in healing communities. Just anything you hear a lot online of this is a safe space for you to open up, or this is a safe space for you to heal, or this is a safe space for XYZ.
I'm going to get into it. And listen, I do understand, and I've even used this term before, whether it was in previous work that I've done, you know, maybe even podcast episodes have used it before, [00:01:00] but one of things that. I'm really being about now. And this has come just purely from life experience and through going through my own mud in life.
Is this, I want to stand strongly on the fact that this podcast, and I've said this a million times is not a safe space. Deliberately. And this episode will explain why, but also my services are not considered a safe space. I'm not actively trying to create safe spaces for everybody. And just straight off the bat before I even get into what are safe spaces and why I don't think that safe spaces are. Really great. And in the way that they're being portrayed. But one of the things that stands out strongly with me is the fact that. If you are trying to create safe spaces for people
you likely actually just creating, A room of bubble wrapping everybody. If this podcast was designed to be a safe space for everybody, I would not speak on a lot of the topics that I speak on because they would feel [00:02:00] unsafe. To a lot of people in the way that I'm about to explain it. If my services were designed to be safe spaces for absolutely everybody. Honestly, it would be the most watered down experience for everyone because you cannot cater to every single human being on the planet.
So. Let's dive into it. I believe strongly that safe spaces do not save you. Like they don't. They just literally keep you stuck in wherever you are in life. They're not designed to help you to grow. They're not designed to, to help to push you out of your comfort zone. They're there to keep you bubble wrapped. And I'm going to get into what a safe spaces. But if straight off the bat, this is already pissing you off.
Like some people tune in and they might listen to one episode and never listened to another episode. Again, this could be one of those ones, this full likely piece of some people. But that's a good thing because obviously this is something that needs to be discussed. I'm really overhearing, just nonstop about how safe everything needs to be. So. [00:03:00] If you're already clutching your pearls. Your pearls. If you're already clutching at your pearls, if you're already, you know, thinking that I'm about to come for your comfort zone.
Well, Yeah, I probably am. And I would encourage you to keep listening, because if this is one of those episodes that feels like it's an attack on you personally, then you're probably the person that really needs to hear it. I'm not trying to create a safe space for you, but this is probably an episode where if you're already one of those people, that's clutching at your pearls, then you likely are the person that needs to hear this the most.
And you actually will get a lot out of it. So stick around. First of all, what I'm going to do is actually go through what, even our safe spaces and why I don't. Agree. With just creating safe spaces all around the world.
So, first of all, I'm going to read actually some stuff here of what safe spaces are.
And this is not my own words. I'm going to read it off a screen. So a safe space is an environment where individuals can express themselves freely without fear of [00:04:00] judgment. Discrimination or harassment. All right. So these spaces are designed to be free from bias. free from conflict. Free from criticism. Or potentially threatening actions, ideas or conversations.
That's one version. We're going to the Merriam-Webster version. So originally safe spaces apparently emerged from the LGBTQ plus communities. Right? And then it expanded to include a lot more, you know, various marginalized groups that were seeking supportive environments. Safe spaces, according to Merriam-Webster, uh, commonly found in educational institutions. Obviously like schools, workplaces, and also community centers.
And they provide apparently a Haven for open discussion and for personal expression, I disagree with that. And this episode is going to explain why I disagree. I don't think that they are actually a Haven for open discussion because the minute you have a different point of view, you are [00:05:00] now deemed as an unsafe person. Or if you express yourself.
So here it says it's a Haven for open discussion and personal expression. This episode is going to prove otherwise. Because the moment that you are personally expressing yourself and you might have a different perspective to what is commonly held in that so-called safe space. You are also deemed as an unsafe individual and that conversation is now an unsafe conversation.
So I think it's, it's utter bullshit. And I'm going to bring a bit of balance. Just hang with me, caught your pills, but still hang with me. We'll go to Wikipedia. So in health and social care settings, safe spaces are crucial for enhancing emotional wellbeing. For building trust between professionals and service users and for reducing stigma around various health conditions, particularly in mental health care.
Okay. Understand and we've got care learning. So last one. It says while safe spaces, aim to protect individuals from [00:06:00] harm. And provide comfort keyword there. Ding-a-ling and Lingling comfort. This is literally what safe spaces all about it's your comfort zone. I can't really hold back. Even in reading these, it just grinds my gears.
The whole thing is about comfort, but let me get back to what it says. So while safe spaces, aim to protect individuals from harm and provide comfort. It's important to recognize that personal growth often occurs outside of comfort zones. Thank God someone's fucking saying it. Engaging with challenging situations and diverse perspectives can foster resilience and development. I'm glad someone said that. So in a nutshell, these are basically seen as spaces where. Psychologically you're safe. You're protected from criticism you're protected from opposing viewpoints. You're protected from discomfort. They're places where you were actually told that you're safe here. They're places where you're told that [00:07:00] you won't be questioned, right?
So your beliefs, your morals, your identity, your worldview will not be questioned. Sure. They might say it's a place for open discussion, but again, it's not because the minute that your identity or morals, your worldview, all of that is questioned. You now feel unsafe. And so it's no longer a safe space.
Therefore it is not a place for open discussion and it is not a place for discourse. It's a place of bubble wrapping. You basically in a safe space will not face confrontation. You will not face any form of disagreement. You will not face any form of judgment. That's why people feel safe. Because they're in their comfort zone and they're bubble wrapped and they feel very nurtured. And look, I understand for someone who's experienced severe trauma or someone who has, you know, Experienced severe discrimination. I understand the need and the strong desire to be in a community of people that would understand that. And you would feel safe in that environment. I completely understand that my issue is [00:08:00] though that if you just live in a safe space, 24 7, or if. And this is what I'm finding that then people have that worldview in everything that they do.
So it's not just one place that they go to where they feel safe. Now their entire existence has to feel safe for them and safe spaces. Don't challenge you. That's not what they're designed for. They're designed to keep you feeling safe and I'm going to break down what that safety even is.
To me safe spaces.
basically protect your patterns. They protect your excuses. They protect our egos. That's a big one. Safe spaces are also a massive breeding ground for control. And I'm going to go in depth into that because this is something that was a massive light bulb for me last year, when I really kind of addressed myself and my own desire and need for comfort. And how some of that is actually just a need for control.
So I'm going to go quite deep into that part. Safe spaces to me. They also reinforce fragility. [00:09:00] Like it's about being fragile rather than actual resilience and strength. Safe spaces are designed to keep us in our comfort zone. Instead of actually breaking out of our comfort zones, which is where real growth happens. Safe space is basically bubble rappers, bubble wrap. Our emotion. So we never feel triggered again. And this is my real gripe with it. It's all about not being triggered, not being challenged, not having someone disagree with us. It's like that is seen as danger, danger, danger. And the other thing is safe spaces to meet, create massive echo chambers.
Because again, if you aren't agreeing with everybody in that room on literally everything it is seen as unsafe. Therefore it is an echo chamber. You were creating an echo chamber by just creating safe spaces. For instance, if someone has a coaching business and their whole thing is about creating safe spaces for everybody, they are likely creating massive echo chambers. They are likely bubble wrapping all of their clients and making sure that they never feel an ounce of discomfort, that they'd never feel an ounce of [00:10:00] someone questioning them or someone disagreeing with them or someone raising critical thought that opposes the way that they viewed the world. That's not a movement.
Like that's not creating leadership that is just creating bubble, wrapped little victims, in my opinion.
Safe spaces may keep us feeling quite comfortable, but they do Jack shit when life actually hits us. Because you think about itLife. Isn't all about. being comfortable and feeling safe and kumbaya and sitting around holding hands, singing songs together. Like sometimes life keeps us fucking hard in the face.
And if your whole identity is never challenged, if your worldview is never challenged, your beliefs are never challenged. No one is allowed to question a single thing about you or your life or anything. Then you are used to a comfort zone. You're used to being bubble wrapped. The moment you get out in the real world, which is what we see a lot with younger people now, like life hits them in the face and instantly they're labeled with depression, with anxiety, with. You know, every form of mental illness out there [00:11:00] when really, I think society has gone way too far.
The pendulum is swung way too far. That everybody's just bubble wrapped. Now everybody gets a trophy. Everybody isn't allowed to be questioned. No one's allowed to disagree. And it's just like what the crap, as soon as you get out in the real world and life smacks you in the face, like I said, everyone falls over and dies emotionally. And listen. I'm not saying that respect and rapport aren't important. Of course they fucking are. Especially if you are in like, Mental health. And if you work in some sort of coaching role or, you know, a teacher or. Even in the services that I'm doing with.
You could call it the inner healing space, even though I don't call it that.
Right. Rapport and respect. Uh, so, so important. Absolutely. You need to feel supported, right? Not a lot of change is going to happen without feeling supported in some shape or form, but there is a difference between feeling supported. And actually needing to feel safe, [00:12:00] right? Because if you will never touch your shit, if you will never go deep within yourself and. You know, have some level of self awareness, right.
Then if that is all relying on you feeling safe all the time, you're going to have zero self awareness. There's a difference between support and actually. Just craving safety all the time. So I've got some questions for you. If you can't handle criticism, how are you supposed to actually handle life? How does pretending the world is soft prepaying for when it punches you in the goddamn face? As I said it does, and it will, and we all know that. When did discomfort become a crime instead of a teacher?
This is a big one. If safe spaces are designed to. Make you never feel any form of discomfort when you're not growing, but also you're being told that if you feel. Any form of discomfort, that's a bad thing. Really that's a teacher in life. Discomfort is a teacher. It's teaching us about [00:13:00] ourselves. It's teaching us about us, about the world.
It's teaching us about different world views. Different perspectives, different morals, different values. We are literally teaching the younger generation, but also. Even ourselves as adults we're teaching each other, that it's, it's a crime to feel discomfort. It's a crime to feel uncomfortable. That it's a bad thing. If someone disagrees with you. And honestly, I think that if we continually need these padded breams to be able to speak our truth, is it even really our truth in the first place?
That's a question I would raise. And look, it's my belief that you actually cannot call it growth. If it only works when life feels easy and comfortable and safe and soft, right? Because these spaces where everyone's trying to feel that comfort, you sure they feel good now don't get me wrong. It feels awesome to feel safe and comfortable. But the problem is it leaves you on a quipped when shit hits the fan in life. But when things happen in the [00:14:00] real world, you are unequipped and life gets real as hell.
So let's dive in.
I want to go through quite a number of reasons as to why I think that safe spaces literally keep us small.
So number one safe spaces keep us small because they allow us to run. They let us bypass our sheets. They let us hide behind the excuses of like, I'm not ready. I'm not ready to face this, or I'm not ready to do this, or I need to feel safer. First is a big one or I'll deal with it when I'm more prepared. Safe spaces are basically where people go to circle the drain.
It's like the swamp of our bullshit. What, pretending that we're actually healing. We're just circling the same stuff all the time. You see this a lot in the healing. World, the self healing online healing world, where we feel like we're healing, but we're honestly just circling the same shit over and over and over. But we call it processing. We call it. You [00:15:00] know, going to analyze our thoughts and our feelings and work out what's underneath it all.
But if we're doing not nonstop for years on end, there's been no healing. Right. We're just pretending we're healing. We're just circling the drain. We're just so circling that swamp. And sure we feel held. Absolutely. We feel held like it's nice. To go to retreats where we feel held, don't get me wrong. I, I love that kind of shit. Of it. It's nice to feel held. It's nice to feel like you're in a safe space, but we're not growing in those spaces. We're just repeating the same fricking patterns year in, year out.
But in our softer environment, that's all it is. And how can we possibly expect to grow if we are not even going to get uncomfortable? Because we all got damn know that growth happens when we're uncomfortable. It doesn't happen when we feel safe and soft and protected and nurtured. It happens when we're really goddamn uncomfortable and. We're facing parts of ourselves that we don't want to face. Safe [00:16:00] spaces, in my opinion. I honestly just emotional daycare for adults. That's what they turned into. They keep us emotionally stunted. It's liquid, these little toddlers who just need constant supervision for our emotions. Safe spaces and not protecting us. They're just simply babysitting us. And I really do believe that if as adults, we still need babysitting for our emotions. Then the problem. Isn't the world. It's it's us. It's internal.
So I've got a question for you. If your ideas can't handle being challenged, are they even worth defending pitchers, safe spaces where no one's allowed to challenge each other?
And if so far, this episode already feels quite uncomfortable for somebody listening.
That is the whole goddamn point, because if I'm already being written off as unsafe or as harsh, or as an asshole, I encourage you strongly to actually sit with that within yourself, because maybe it's not actually me. That is making you feel unsafe. Because I can't make you feel anything. That's all internal. But maybe it's your fear of actually hearing the [00:17:00] truth? That is bringing up emotions of unsafety.
And that's a good thing. So I'm saying please lean into that. If any of my episodes you feel unsafe listening, I actually encourage you to lean into that. If you're a strong one. Truly. If you're a strong individual, you would lean into that feeling and be like, what is this? Teaching me about myself. Or what is it that she's saying that's bringing up this unsafety within myself.
What part of me doesn't feel safe right now? I'm not saying I'm right on everything. Absolutely not. There's so many things I'm wrong on in life, but it doesn't matter who you're listening to. Maybe the point isn't safety all the time. Maybe it's actually to help us to grow. And maybe it's your fear of hearing the truth.
Maybe it's my fear of hearing the truth that is bringing up that unsafe feeling. It's not actually what the individual is saying
safe spaces and creating really fragile individuals. They're not at all helping to create resilient ones. This is one of my issues with it
well, AF doesn't give. [00:18:00] A fuck about your triggers. It doesn't give a fuck about my triggers. In fact avoiding them continuously does not make us stronger. It makes us more fragile. I actually find that these spaces. are, harbouring very fragile individuals who just shatter. The moment that someone has a different point of view, the moment that someone disagrees with something that they say.
And I alluded before to. echo chambers. This is a big thing with these so-called safe spaces, because they're actually just encouraging group think. You are blocked the moment that you have a different perspective, that challenges, whatever the group actually thinks. You see this a lot in religious communities.
It's the same thing. It's, it's creating like a so-called safe space for everybody to think the exact same thing without any room for questioning any room for a different point of view, for a different worldview or for a different interpretation, for instance of scriptures. So I want to make it clear.
I'm not just referencing for instance, the LGBTQ plus community. [00:19:00] Safe spaces everywhere. And I understand, as I said before, for rapport, for respect, for understanding, but at the same time, if the goal is to just bubble up everybody and to just all think the same, I honestly think that we are doing a disservice to ourselves, to the younger generation, to everybody. So if someone disagrees with you, why does that actually feel like an attack? And what does that actually say about your confidence? Because I think that if someone is constantly feeling under attack, when someone disagrees with them or under attack for holding a different worldview, Honestly, I think you lack self confidence because when you, uh, strong within yourself, It's okay.
If someone holds a different opinion to you, it's okay. If someone holds a different worldview to you, it doesn't rattle you. It doesn't make you feel like you are literally in a war zone. And that is what you see a lot where it's, it is literally like there is constant wars, internal wars for individuals.
Hence why there is so much mental health issues, [00:20:00] so much anxiety and depression. I think it's because of this, because we are trained and taught that if someone disagrees with us, If someone has a different perspective, if someone questions the way that we think, or the way that we move through life or our morals or whatever it might be, that that is an attack. Therefore, there is this internal war continually.
No wonder there is so many. Mental health issues in this world. Safe spaces also code for emotional dependence. I think that we have become dependent on each other for things that should be internal. They keep us all reliant on the external validation. What other people are thinking, what other people. Uh, you know, whatever opinion they hold, we're going to hold the same or. You know, we're only going to surround ourselves with people who think the same instead of building that internal confidence. Because it is, it's an internal job. It doesn't come from outside of ourselves. Safe spaces are also breeding victim hood. There's such a lack of accountability in these spaces.
They encourage us all to focus [00:21:00] on how we've been wronged instead of actually taking responsibility for our own goddamn growth. We it's, like I said before, it's like circling the drain. We're just circling the same shit over and over and over. And it's all about how we've been wronged. Our parents apparently wronged us our schools wronged.
us the education system, wrongness the system at large wrongness, our friends wrongness our childhood. and yes. Obviously. Absolutely shocking shit happens to individuals in life. I'm not discounting that, but I'm saying if we're just continually bubble wrapped and just circling that same shit all the time and focus on how we've been wrong instead of taking responsibility for our own growth, instead of taking responsibility for where we can change. Our current circumstances.
Again, it's such a disservice to us as individuals. Let me make it clear. Because trauma is a buzzword safe spaces. Do not heal trauma. They worship it. They [00:22:00] glorify it. They literally bow down to trauma. I know that will sound triggering to some people with please lean in. The more that you actually worship your wounds.
The more you let them define you. The more that you worship, what has gone wrong? Who hurt you, how much they hurt you. The more of that shit defines you as an adult. It defines you now.
Safe spaces also turn fear into identities.
They spaces literally teach us how to be victims instead of reclaiming our power. Instead of standing so strongly within ourselves and being able to speak our truth, no matter what. They are turning fear into identities. They are teaching us to leave as victims. And honestly, newsflash, if your entire identity is based on needing to be protected at all costs, you are not free. You actually owned by your fear. There's no freedom there. And do you use an analogy right now? Picture a credit card so we can go, let's say we have a credit card. We go [00:23:00] on this crazy shopping spree.
We go and spend $10,000 on clothes today. And it's like, oh, That's tomorrow's problem. Oh, that's next month problem. Right? You've just this constant spending spray, but we're not dealing with whatever the repercussions of that are right now. That's next month's problem. Right? Same with safe spaces.
They are emotional credit cards. They they're all about the comfort now, but the chaos comes later. And this actually creates massive issues down the road because. Instead of actually facing whatever is hard right now, instead of facing whatever is uncomfortable right now, we are delaying that until later it doesn't go anywhere. It's still there. The uncomfortable shit is still there. The painful shit is still there.
It's all there. It hasn't gone anywhere. And this is what I made about like these emotional credit card. It's like emotional. Debt. We are borrowing the comfort for right now, but we will pay it at some point down the track. Be that in depression, be. That in [00:24:00] anxiety be that in. Social anxiety, stagnation.
Maybe we were just feeling really stuck and like in a slump in life. That is an emotional debt from where we were stuck in a comfort zone at some point in our life. Safe spaces to me are also spiritual bypassing. They're just branded differently. It's like a better brand. It's still spiritual bypassing.
They allow us to avoid doing any real work again, by just pretending that when processing everyone's just processing shit when really. We're all just hiding and yes, this is me too. Like, this is me. I'm calling up myself in a lot of these at different points in my life. I have done a lot of these things. Or craved that emotional stability and comfort and safe space. As a way to avoid doing any real work as a way to avoid facing the shit inside myself.
I'm just processing, processing everything. No, Holly, you were just goddamn hiding.
So these spaces, they allow us to avoid the fire, but we feel like we're [00:25:00] walking through it. We're pretending that we're walking through the fire because we're processing it all. No, we're not, we're not even touching the goddamn fire when we're near it. That will come at a later date though, as I said, breather, anxiety, depression, illness, whatever it might be, there is a day where that debt catches up to us.
Say spaces are also like emotional communism.
Everybody gets a goddamn trophy, everybody is protected, but nobody is growing. The bar has been lowered, so everybody feels welcome. We're all on an even kiln on this safe space journey. We're all together on the same level, but honestly, at the cost of real achievement at the cost of resilience at the cost of your power and your actual freedom and really finding your voice, because again, you cannot say anything different to the safe space group that you're in. So really it's at the cost of the most important things in your life. A big one for me as well is safe spaces are honestly killing freedom of speech.
Silence does not equal [00:26:00] safety. They spaces punished people for thinking differently. They are not spaces for open dialogue. I don't care how much they slap that on their websites. You can not have open dialogue. Where everybody is allowed to truly speak. What is their truth? What is on their heart? Because the moment it goes against what is considered the general consensus of that group.
You are an unsafe individual. You are making people feel unsafe is what they will say. Safe spaces. Aren't actually about protection. In my opinion, they're about policing. Th this is why they kill freedom of speech there about policing, because if you cannot handle disagreement, Maybe the problem. Isn't the goddamn world.
It's actually your inability to be able to think for yourself. So, are you unsafe or is it just your ego that feels threatened? when did disagreeing with someone become dangerous? I alluded to this before. Why is it seen as dangerous? It's almost seen as if someone disagrees with you online, they're instantly [00:27:00] labeled a hater. I don't agree with that. If someone disagrees with you online, they're instantly labeled as a troll. Why. Why can't people disagree with us?
Why is that seen as a war zone? Why is that seen as, oh my God, you've got to block them. Why? Why is it seen as a threat or dangerous? Just because someone holds a different viewpoint, even if they are being an asshole in their viewpoint. Why is that dangerous? I'm not talking about people actually wishing harm on your life. I'm not talking about people actually spewing hate at you.
That's different. Of course, if you need to block someone because they're being an actual danger to your life. Or they're just spewing absolutely abhorrent stuff at you. That's different. But if someone simply like, for instance, this podcast, I get a lot of people that absolutely disagree with me or that even. Have cracks that the way I look or have cracks at the way I speak or whatever it might be.
I don't see that as dangerous. I don't see that as them even hating. I [00:28:00] don't, I don't see it as, this is something that needs to be squashed. I allow freedom of speech. I don't think that someone holding a different viewpoint means that they are a hater. Or they are a troll or they are being dangerous to me. It's not a fucking war zone.
People are acting lab. We are in this war. It's not a war zone. It's just difference of opinion. And I welcome it. And I think the more that we welcome this. The less that we actually are killing freedom of speech. And one of the big points I want to make is safe spaces. Create weak leaders not strong ones. They create weak. Leaders because how can you lead? If you cannot handle discomfort, how can you possibly lead? If you can't handle someone disagreeing with you, if you can't handle someone raising a single goddamn question about the way that you view the world. How can you actually call yourself a leader? A true leader.
If no one can think differently to you, or if you only [00:29:00] surround yourself with people who think the same. How can you call yourself a leader? If you have to block everyone, that questions you block everybody who doesn't agree with you or call everybody a troll and a hater because they simply see the world differently to you.
You are not a leader. To me leaders who need safe spaces, they cannot handle criticism. They cannot handle pressure. They can't handle making hard decisions in life. And this might be uncomfortable, but if you call yourself a leader, but you need safe spaces in order to speak your truth, if you only speak your truth. When you are in a group of individuals that agree with you. You're not a leader. How are you supposed to lead anybody? It's my opinion that weak leaders actually are the ones creating these safe spaces, strong ones, build goddamn movements. There's a difference. Think of it. Someone who only wants to feel comfortable all the time, someone who [00:30:00] only speak their truth when they're around people who agreed with them. Someone who can't handle criticism, someone who can't handle their worldview, being challenged, someone who cannot handle a single question coming their way. That is a challenge. Or, that is a judgment.
Someone who can't handle that, they're the type that will go and create those safe spaces. True leaders build motherfucking movements. There is a big, big difference. So I've got some questions here for you. Why are you so afraid of being uncomfortable? When discomfort is how we actually grow. How do you expect to build strength? If you never let yourself feel any tension in life? You don't become strong by avoiding discomfort. You don't become strong by, by avoiding tension in life.
It's when you lean into it. Another one, if you can't handle criticism, how do you expect to handle goddamn life? All right. Life is all about. Being criticized at times, life is [00:31:00] all about having judgements come our way. Life is about going through hard. Painful times it's not all bubble wrapped, safe spaces, I want to go into what I mentioned before about the fear-based branding of control, because that's what I think safe spaces are.
They're fee-based branding they're control, disguised as comfort. I actually see most safe spaces as utter control freaks. Like major control freaks. People that are control freaks are drawn to safe spaces because you can control the environment. You can control how you're going to feel. To me safe spaces and not at all about safety.
They're actually about control because if someone else's opinions make you feel unsafe all the time, maybe it's not actually safety that you're after. It's actually power. Over how everyone thinks. You are having power over how other individuals get to think you are trying to control the environment you were trying to control, how people perceive you.
You are trying to micromanage [00:32:00] everyone's viewpoints. It's control. It's not just about safety. It's about control. Safe spaces often will market themselves as these empowering awesome spaces. But honestly, they're just repackaged fear and control. Sorry. If someone listening to this is all about the safe space is all about creating safe spaces or it's all about being in safe spaces continually. I have a question for you.
Are you actually unsafe? Or is it that your world view has been challenged? I'm going to give an example of this. Let's say someone refuses to use, well, let's not just say someone meet. I refuse to put gender pronouns in my bio on social media. If I was in a place of employment, I would not be using them.
I'm not going to introduce myself as she her. it's very clear what I am. If you know, I was at school, I would be refusing to use them. And I understand that that comes across as very, combative to some individuals. I understand that that comes off as. Unsafe to a lot of people, but here's my question. [00:33:00] Let's say with social media, if I refuse to oh, and say. I'm on a zoom call, a coaching zoom call. i'm in someone else's coaching container and they all wanted to have pronouns on their zoom screen. And I'm like, yeah, no, it's not my thing. I'm not going to do it.
Right. I'm not going to create a scene about it. I'm just not going to put them on my zoom screen. If the individuals in that meeting now, all of a sudden like, oh, I don't feel safe around her. I'm not feeling like this is a safe space. She's not respecting me or whatever. My question to them would actually be. Do you actually feel unsafe or is it just that you cannot control the environment?
You cannot control me and it's bringing up feelings of unsafety. It's bringing up feelings of discomfort. Because. Do I have a gun to your head right now? No. Am I actually trying to take your life. No. Are you actually on safe or is your need for control feeling unsafe? Because there is a goddamn difference. If someone critiques your work, if someone critiques your podcast [00:34:00] episode, if someone critiques. The coaching container you've created or whatever it is, whatever you put out into the world. And you start to spiral. And they actually, the problem. Really. Always out eager. The problem. Is it our ego that can't handle being questioned?
Is it out Ingo that can't handle being critiqued? This was actually a big one for me that I worked through last year, actually just a side note. Often we think we have a fear of judgment and yeah. That can be in there. But one of the things I discovered about myself last year was it wasn't so much the fear of judgment.
It was a fear of not being worshiped. It was a fear of. Having to hold the judgment. Well also. Not holding, being worshiped. That's a different kettle of fish because you think about it. If you're being critiqued all the time, if you're having people have different perspectives, come at you, but maybe not the nicest of [00:35:00] way, right.
This podcast obviously attracts a lot of that. Okay. That's one thing to hold, but can you also hold that while equally on the other side of it, you're also not being worshiped. You're not being the door. Your episodes may not be received like in the highest esteem and like, you know, everyone bowing down and adoring you, can you hold that at the same time? And this is one of those things where it's like, it's an ego thing. A lot of people think they have a fear of judgment, but actually they likely have a fear of not being worshiped. Can you handle that at the same time? So I don't actually believe safe spaces are all about safety.
I've made that clear. I think it actually comes down to control control over what other people can say. Control over what other people think. And I actually think that it's not that people feel unsafe. I think they're actually just pissed off that they can't control everyone. Else's opinions. And he's, everybody's like obsession with constantly avoiding discomfort,
Just honestly, [00:36:00] fueling anxiety, fueling depression. It's not fixing it. It's not actually getting to the root cause of anything. It just stalls it. It just makes it. Last for Longo safe spaces do not heal anxiety. I actually believe safe spaces create it. Safe spaces create. Weak individuals And I'm not saying by the way, Side note.
I'm not saying you're weak. If you have anxiety. That's not at all what I'm saying, but I do think safe spaces are contributing to a lot of people's anxiety. They're used to being bubble wrapped and the moment they step out of that, it's, it's disarming. Safe spaces and creating really soft individuals because nobody creates resilience while they're bubble wrapped 24 7. It is impossible. To actually get stronger. By avoiding what broke you in the first place? You cannot get stronger by avoiding what broke you in the very beginning. That's just impossible. You don't get stronger from that. You don't get stronger from avoiding all of the pains and the hurts [00:37:00] from the past. Another thing I'm noticing is why do we worship feelings instead of facts, that's become a big thing.
Everybody's worshiping feelings. What happens when your safe space can't protect you anymore? Because they can't protect people forever. are, individuals ready for that? Are they actually ready to step outside into the real world where there is criticism, where there is judgements. Where there is difference of opinion. Or is everybody just banking on the fact that their safe space is going to be there forever because news flash it's not, that's not the real world.
That's not real life. Safe spaces are all about comfort. They're not at all about growth. They do nothing to help you grow as a human. They actually are encouraging you to not take accountability. They're actually encouraging you to stay small, to play small in life, not to grow. Based spaces. They not about healing at all.
They're about hiding and okay, that's fine if that's what you want to do, but do not slap a label and healing on it. Do you not slap a label on it, of [00:38:00] growth? It's pure hiding. You don't actually heal by avoiding that fire. Like it's impossible. You just delay it at some point, you're going to have to face it. So I want to talk about the alternative for a second about strength. I'm not here to tell you to just throw yourself in the fire without support. Okay. That's not what I'm about. That's not what my work is about. I am here to support individuals. I'm launching my spinal energetic services very soon to the general public.
And listen, there is a massive component of support in that I am there to hold space for individuals. And yes, there is an element of safety in that if that person has rapport with me, if that person is drawn to my work is drawn to the way that I speak is drawn to everything that I put out into the world.
They're going to feel safe with me. And there is an element of healing within that. Absolutely. So don't get me wrong. I'm saying like, yes, support. But there's a huge difference between needing support and needing safety 24 7, because safe spaces do keep us soft. [00:39:00] If that's all we're in all the time,
but the strong spaces they will hold us without letting us hide. There's a difference between that. We will be held, but we're not hiding.
This is why I'm all about creating a strong space for individuals where you're not going to hide. You're not going to be coddled in just talking about the past 24 7.
In fact, you don't even have to talk about the past. I'm not going to just hold your hand. And sing kumbaya and chant affirmations over you and call it a day and act like you've had some profound healing experience. It's nothing like that. You're going to face the fire. You're going to face the stuff that's coming up.
You're going to face whatever's being buried within you, that you haven't faced yet, or you haven't had the space to face yet. Because strong spaces, they allow you the space to actually feel that discomfort without coddling you though. They're not going to cuddle you. They hold you accountable without actually shielding you without [00:40:00] honestly being dismissive and treating you like you're some little baby that needs to be held 24 7. And listen, this is not about shaming people who have been hurt in life with we've all been hurt in some capacity, but it's about calling out the fact that the healing does not happen in padded rooms.
It doesn't happens while you're in the fire. Happens while you're in the mix of life. And if you are avoiding that at old cost, if you are not willing to sit in that fire, you are genuinely not healing. You're genuinely not growing as a human being. You're hiding.
Yes, safe spaces may protect your feelings. Absolutely, but they will never protect your freedom and your power. That is the cost.
That is the cost that we pay for having our feelings protected. At all times, we do not have genuine freedom and we do not have genuine power and we don't have genuine strength. That's the, that is the cost because there's always a cost to something. If we want our feelings to be protected at all costs. The cost is [00:41:00] freedom. Power and strength.
So if you're actually avoiding having to face shit, if you're avoiding being uncomfortable, if you're avoiding the fire, if you're avoiding whatever feels tense, or if you're avoiding speaking your truth online, because you don't want someone to criticize you, if you're avoiding speaking your truth online, because you don't want judgements to come your way, you are. going to pay a cost for that.
And this is what I say. It can come through. Anxiety can come through depression. It can come through Uh, because it's, it's still there. It's still within us. We're just shoving it down. We're just acting as if always safe we're healing we're. we're. integrating is another one you hear or we're just processing no we're not we're hiding.
And I know this myself, I've done this many times, myself. I've just been hiding in life, not healing. I'm just hiding. So I want to ask you a question at the very end now,
actually scarier. Is. it the discomfort of being challenged? Is it the discomfort of being criticized? The discomfort of having [00:42:00] judgment come your way. Or is it actually waking up one day and realizing that you have spent your entire life? Avoiding the very thing that could have set you free because that was how it was for me. I had spent my entire life avoiding being judged. Avoiding being criticized, avoiding, being seen in a different light to how I wanted to be seen micromanaging everyone's perceptions, 24 7 being the good girl. Being the one that won't challenge being the one that doesn't want to ruffle feathers too much. But when I actually lent into that, that was the very thing that set me free.
Finding that fire within myself, welcoming judgment, welcoming criticism, welcoming difference of opinion, welcoming people questioning me. It literally set my soul on fire. The very thing I was avoiding was the very thing that sent me free. And this is why look. I don't like safe spaces. I don't. I'm not a fan of that term.
I think it is just turned into this big marshmallow bubble wrapping. [00:43:00] Cotton balling, everybody movement. And listen, as I said, I want to make it clear. I absolutely agree. in having rapport and having respect in being non-abusive in, you know, we're not trying to deliberately hurt individuals, but the very thing that we are avoiding is often the very thing that will set us free.
And I think that safe spaces it's just overused. Now it's become this whole thing of like, oh, I'm not going to speak up unless I feel safe or I'm not going to. be Community with other people. unless they all agree with me, or, I'm not going to socialize unless everybody has the exact same world view as me.
And I think that we do ourselves a disservice when we do that. So. That's my take on safe spaces. I don't think they're safe at all, or they're safe for our control. They're safe for our ego. They're safe for our feelings. But it comes at a massive cost and a massive price. So this podcast is not a safe space for everybody, my services and not a safe space for everybody. [00:44:00] But they will revolutionize your world.
They really, really will for the right individual. Listen to this podcast. Listening to the guests that come on and listening to their perspectives can really bring light bulb moments for you. And same with my services. My services are designed for a very specific individual. It's the same individual that listens to this podcast.
Funnily enough, legends, absolutely motherfucking legends. Anyway, I'll leave you with that one guys. So that's my take on safe spaces. What's yours. I've raised a lot of questions for you. What. Is your take on safe spaces? Let me know. Am I being too harsh? Am I being too judgemental, too critical. You let me know. I love your guts as always bye.
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